A spiral of Embers

It starts off small. You begin by distrusting people when they say they are here for you and they try to encourage you when you doubt every decision. In your mind, every decision is the wrong one.

You feel that anxiety tighten in your chest and you just freeze.

Then, it becomes hard to ‘people’. You cancel on friends altogether, saying “I’m tired” or “I have other plans”. When there’s no way around it, you wear a mask on the tough days; just to not burden others.

Some days, you can’t find a good reason to get out of bed. It’s easier to just sleep than to deal with the world and its problems.

The numbness sweeps over you like a wave licking across a beach. You hear the symphony of music as the rest of the world becomes white noise.

You’re going through the paces. The paces of life and responsibility. Nothing seems to make you excited or happy, until you find that one thing that makes you feel again. You’re drowning in the amber liquid, and when you get frustrated, you hit yourself, enjoying the electricity of the pain. The bruises and you're mind becomes dark.

Sometimes, you think, it would be easier if I wasn’t here. If I wasn’t here, would anyone even care? Would I make it easier for others if I was gone?

You sit in your car, keys in hand, trying to decide to leave and never return. You’re frozen again because that is a decision you know you can’t come back from. But then, your glowing light, the one who can bring you back, is there, holding you so close.

“Come inside,” they say, “we’ve got this. . .”

The spiral is something I know well.

I watched a dear friend spiral quickly when life didn’t seem to give him a break. It was heartbreaking. We spoke to help lines and wished for a magical answer to help him. In the end, there was nothing we could do. In the blink of an eye, he was gone.

I’ve had small spirals during elementary and high school because of bullies, but I had never experienced a true spiral until I had my kids and I got a taste of true misery during postpartum.

I never harmed anyone but myself. Some days, I didn’t know if it would be my last sunrise. Exhausted and overwhelmed, I clung to the embers of my life that had disappeared.   

I was ashamed to ask for help. I could survive this on my own. It was my doctor who got me help. I went through counselling. It took a lot of self-reflection and finding myself again.

Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve survived had it not been for my husband, who's forever my calm, or the voice reminding me that I love my kids and they need me. I had to stay, but I needed to change something in my life. I didn’t feel like myself. I was an empty shell with no outlet to express myself.

It took two long years for me to try to find my safe place, my outlet for my words and thoughts. I ended up writing again.

I had started publishing The Egyptian Heir a week before I found out I was pregnant with my first child. When The Egyptian Heir released, I had six month old. The sleepless nights and the chaos of having a newborn caused the excitement of publishing to deflate quickly.

Once I picked up my pen again and started to write, I felt the flicker of a fire I thought had died out years ago. Now, I make time for myself. Time to do things that I love. I'm a mom, a wife, a friend, a sister. . . but I'm so much more than that. I'm Janelle. And Janelle is a writer, she's goofy (at times), she's serious (most of the time), she plans, and she likes to explore the world; whether it's an expanding world in my mind or reality.

I’ve seen the aftermath of both sides of a spiral. I've been the one who's numb to the world and the family/friend picking up the pieces, wondering what could’ve been done to help them. In Ensnared, I wanted to explore both sides of the spiral.

Cassy becomes numb to the world during the year between The Egyptian Heir and Ensnared. She doesn’t know how to handle her trauma. She can’t trust counsellors after everything Buddy and the men did to manipulate her. She’s stuck in a loop of lies and she’s drowning under the expectations of everyone around her.

Her brothers urge her to tell them about what happened during the kidnapping.
The FUA expects her to trust them.
They push her too far as they want her to be able to control the diamonds quickly.

Throughout it all, Cassy’s inevitable breakdown is a result of being guilty for all the lies and pain she’s caused.

She blames herself for Vince’s alcoholism.
She blames herself for Zack’s scars that litter his skin.
She blames herself for breaking up her family.

When she hits rock bottom, she ends up hurting her loved ones more. Though her scars have healed, she must live with them reminding her of her breakdown every day.

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Everyone experiences a spiral at least once in their life.
Please remember there are people able to help anyone suffering from mental illness.
National Suicide Prevention and Mental Health Crisis Hotline : 9-8-8
Speak to a medical provider
Open up to a friend or family member
~If you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves or others, call 9-1-1~

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​You aren’t alone in this! I wish that no one ever meets the bottom of the spiral. ​